Family vs individual‏

Hi all,

It is now the morning of Jan 2 but it is still Jan 1 in Canada. So Happy New Year. It hope this year is better than last year for everyone.

I spent New Year's Eve at Lijun's home in Liyang, which is about 1:30 by bus west of Changzhou. When I caught the bus for changzhou on Thursday morning, I was planning to spend it with her and her boyfriend in Changzhou. When I got to Changzhou, she sent me a short message saying she was in Liyang and asked me to go there. I wasn't too happy about that but, as it turned out, she hadn't had any choice in the matter.

Since she graduated she has been living with her boyfriend most of the time. Her parents don't approve of him and told her in June to break it off with him. She didn't. But she never told her parents. She always told them that she was staying with some former roommates. They never travel, and with cell phones, who knows where anyone is. Few people who rent have a land line. Anyway, she decided that she would tell them so that they would realize that she was serious about him. She asked them if he could visit her home during the New Year break (3 days here). They said absolutely not, never. Then they got on the bus on Thursday morning, took her from work, back to her place to pack and then back on the bus to Liyang. Not much choice. Abduction; not uncommon. Yesterday, they introduced to a guy 5 years older. I sat in on their first meeting. THey have another lined up as well. Different culture. She was a sad girl the past couple of days but more or less resigned to the situation.

In one of my courses I taught about cultural differences and one of the aspects was collectivism vs individualism. Individualistic cultures teach members to be independent; stand on your two feet. China is a very collectivistic culture. The group is most important and individuals are expected to contribute to the welfare of the group. Individual wants are secondary. This applies to the country, your company, but it is particularly strong for family units. Members of the family will seek advice from the other members on any important decisions and will do whatever the elders deem best for the family. That could be things like: which major should I take, should I take this job, should I get my licence and buy a car, etc. Even if they are 30 years old and married. One of the main criterion for Lijun's marriage is that her husband has to have his own home. Here that means owns his own apartment. Lijun's boyfriend's family could not afford to buy him one and he is a recent graduate like her and if he saved enough for a downpayment on a place it might take 5 years or more because he does not make much. The family of the guy they introduced her to owns two apartments. He was short and thin. She wasn't impressed. But they will have a date or two and then they will decide if they want to keep seeing each other.

I went to a wedding last weekend where the bride was 22 and the groom 29. This seems to quite common. Unless the guy's family has money, it takes time to save enough to purchase a house. By that time most of best women his age are already married to older guys, so the family starts looking around for suitable girls. They dated 6 months and married. Love is not the primary motivator unless the family has money and can afford that luxury. That's not to say that you have to marry someone that you don't like. But they will keep looking until they find someone acceptable to you and to them. For most families, there are 4 grandparents, two parents and one child. The family is looking for security in the future. There is tremendous pressure and stress on the young people to succeed. They study very hard, often taking 10-12 courses each term. When they graduate, they are looking at 6 day weeks and sometimes 12-hour days for not much money unless they have 'guanxi' (connections).

When the child is growing up, the parents and grandparents will do everything they can for the child. Lijun's family is extremely frugal. They will walk all over the city rather than take a bus for 1rmb. But I have seen her father spend 40rmb on treats for her at the store. When I bought dinner at a restaurant for the family last year, that was the first time that Lijun could remember eating in a restaurant with her parents. You can buy a tasty rice or noodle dish anywhere for 5rmb. So 40 for treats was quite an expenditure. But, in return, when the child graduates they expect that devotion to be returned, and it usually is.

I asked students last year if it was more important to marry for money or love. More than half said money. 'Then we will learn to love each other after'.

She is unhappy this weekend but is resigned to the situation. There will be no possibility of her seeing Mark again, probably. Her family will not allow her out of their sight now. She starts a new job there on Monday. 6am-6pm, 6 days a week. It will be very boring for her because her friends have either moved away or are married. She does have the Internet so she can keep in touch with the rest of the world. I will go back in February around Chinese New Year to see how she doing.

Life is not easy in China

Don