(No Subject)‏

Hi,

I had a nice trip. It was short but after Bahamas I was tired and not too anxious to go very far. My visit with lijun and her family was ok. I can only take her in small doses but it seems that every 6 weeks or so I want to see her. But each time I am disappointed in her. She is childish. She has dreams about her future but she mindlessly does what her parents say and won't say what she wants. She has no backbone. She talks about doing this or that but does nothing about it. Sometimes I feel like grabbing her by the shoulders and shaking her but all I can do is sit and listen. My opinion doesn't count. Sometimes she asks me for advice and I tell her what I think but she won't do anything that I suggest so what is the use?

She wants to marry her boyfriend but then she will say in the next sentence that she can never marry her boyfriend because her parents don't approve of him. Then she will say that if he gets a better job and she also gets a job then she can marry him. It goes back and forth like that all of the time. I stop listening after awhile. She has met 3 guys who want her for a wife. One guy seemed quite nice. But he was an inch shorter than her so she said I can't marry him. He is too short. Where does love fit into this equation? So many rules. Rule number one: My future husband will own his own apartment (even if he has a mortgage). Rule number two: He will be older than me. Rule number three: He will have a car (although that is not as important as an apartment). Rule number four: He will be taller than me. Rule number five: He will make more money than me (that is not hard since she is not working!). Oh, Rule number one, before all of the rest: my parents will approve of him.

This is not love. This is convenience or accepting your position in life. It is more like a business negotiation. If your family has money, then you are freer to choose who you want. It will still require the family's approval but if you have money then it is not so important. Lijun's family is not rich but they are not poor by any means. Middle class or almost middle class; maybe a little poorer than the average office worker but they are far from destitute. Her father is a self-employed carpenter and does good work. He remodeled their apartment and he did a very good job. The finish work is excellent. He went to Indonesia on a contract for a month; his second trip there. Her parents are very plain people but very kind to me whenever I visit. I slept in Lijun's bed. Very hard. They sleep on boards. No such thing as a mattress. Just boards and a bamboo mat. Not very comfortable. But most Chinese and even Thai, Japanese sleep like that. Apparently they believe that it is good for your back. Maybe it is but it is not good for my knees and elbows! That is why, when I am in a train or bus station many people are sleeping on the floor. To them it is the same as their bed. They will spread out cardboard or newspapers and go to sleep. She slept on the floor in her parent's bedroom. She could have slept in her bed with me. It is king-sized and we would be totally clothed. I slept with all of my clothes because they had no heat. It was cold in their apartment. I told her that she could have slept in her bed and she said that it was a new experience for her to sleep on the floor but she was comfortable. I don't understand. I try very hard but I don't understand.THeir thinking is so much different than mine. She told me that it would not be proper for her to sleep in the same bed as me. She is so conservative in her thinking. I would not touch her. But it is ok for her to live with her boyfriiend and have baths with him. But not ok to wear short skirts or sleep with me without touching. Strange society.So she slept on the floor.

She has many men who want to marry her. I told her to be sure. Wait one year. I don't want to see her with a child while her husband goes out every night drinking with his buddies. That is common in China, Korea. The women accept that. I don't want to see her like that. i want her to be like my daughter Lindsay; strong, say what you want, stand up to the man. But too many Chinese women accept their position as a servant to their man. I want Lijun to be a strong girl but she isn't. I expect that that she will marry some guy she doesn't love. Maybe she will like him but it isn't love. It is frustrating but That is China.

Don